Monthly Archives: April 2014

The wrap of first posting

Time flies, it’s been four months since my arrival to this state. I’ve completed my first posting. Throughout this 4 months, it reminded me a lot of incidents.

I remember the time when I’m fighting so hard to enter medical school, It was not easy. I almost landed myself in a field where I don’t even have any interest at all. If its not for a person who left the medical programmed, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Finally, I managed to enter and its midway of my first year, I hit the bottom rock. It was indeed a difficult time because I have to give up 3 years of efforts. Even if its my own decision to give it away, believe me, it was not easy, because we are all human beings with emotions. Once cherish, it will take a great deal of emotional breakdown to give it away. I live in pain, live in sorrows and almost went through pathological grief. I am really grateful for I have family and friends to support me. I managed to pull it through. It took 2 years to mend a broken heart.

Never in mind I will go through the same process again. The impact is ten thousand time worse, the repercussion is beyond imagination. First was in the first year of medical school and coincidentally for now it happen in the first posting of my working life. Kubler Ross described the cycle for grief. 5 stages – Denial, Anger,Bargain, Depression, Acceptance. After a struggling period, here I am in stage 5, the final stage.

” Sitting in the airplane, looking out to the window, the sky is so wide, azure blue sky. I used to sit beside the window, having different feelings few months back, yet today, its a whole new set of feelings. The pleuritic-like chest pain, it started as continuous throughout days and nights, until now, it has shift to intermittent in character. “

” Travelling down the same route, it reminded me how it was like years back. For now, what’s left is just vague images and a new set of feelings”

I’m quite an emotional type of person. It can be good and at the same time, it can be detrimental. Denying the truth, Angry for going through the same process, bargain for an impossible hope and possibility, depress for knowing it will never be the same again and finally accept as how it is. It’s a painful process but knowing in the future, when I look back, it will be different again, because we  grow up as time goes by, we progress as time goes by.

Question was being posed to me, “Will you still made the same decision if given a choice again?” Honestly, there can never be any answer to it. I’ve landed myself in this situation, for what had taken place, I must take it and move forward. I won’t lie to myself, at times, I will still give away to emotion, I will still breakdown. But, knowing towards the end, time will speak on behalf on me, time will act on behalf of me. I suppose, The Road Not Taken, precisely describe my answer to the questions being asked. 

It will be a brand new day tomorrow with new posting coming in, There’s no more time to stop and wait for life continue. Stage 5 will end soon. Looking up to the sky, I smile. Tomorrow will be a better day. I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learnt throughout the posting, I’m grateful for all turmoil of emotion and incidents which had taken place. One day, I will eventually reach the state where I’m able to smile over it, and give my blessings. That’s the wrap of my first posting.






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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” ~ By Paulo Coelho

It was a long day in operating theater. She was the last case for us. No one expect she will deteriorate the next day. She is a young lady and was electively admitted for the operation. Who would have know, that was her last decision in her life.

The next day, all of the sudden, she had shortness of breath, with oxygen saturation level 80% despite with the aid of ventimask. She kept deteriorate, even with replacement of ventimask to high flow mask, her oxygen saturation level barely reach 75%. Subsequently, we had to intubate her in the ward in view of impending respiratory collapse. Her condition worsen. Blood pressure was unrecordable at times and all the peripheries were cold. She was then put on first inotrope. We were all puzzled because no one foresee a young patient could collapse all of the sudden with no comorbidities.

Sadly, she never progress well. 2 more inotropes were added, yet blood pressure still at borderline. The bad news was breached to her husband. He appeared calm, expressionless. I was so puzzled. I couldn’t help but to wonder why wouldn’t anyone be in tremendous shock and sad when they are receiving the bad news. Why is he so expressionless and emotionless?

The next day when I came to the ward, I realized she had passed off. I was told that her husband was crying out loud at that point of time. He was angry no one in the ward could save his wife. I stopped and reflect. The truth is no one on this earth share similar grief process. We used to think cry and emotional breakdown are the appropriate response towards bad news. When we saw the husband for the first time, we thought he was emotionless, without feelings towards his wife who was in critical illness. In fact, what we are doing is merely judging him by using our parameters.

We are human being with feelings, with conscience. For once we have this intact, for everything that takes place, there’s definitely a response towards it, especially departure of a human being. It’s indeed a sad news to everyone of us, for a young lady passed off. A moment of silence for her, may she rest in peace and may her family blessed with the courage to move on.

I keep wonder, keep ponder, what is life without emotions and conscience. It will be a cold place to live. No doubt, too much emotion can be detrimental at times, but what is life without feelings penetrating to our inner part of soul. To able to experience life, not only just sweetness, but bitter and pain, it takes a lot of courage.

Dedicated to my family and friends

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