The wrap of first posting

Time flies, it’s been four months since my arrival to this state. I’ve completed my first posting. Throughout this 4 months, it reminded me a lot of incidents.

I remember the time when I’m fighting so hard to enter medical school, It was not easy. I almost landed myself in a field where I don’t even have any interest at all. If its not for a person who left the medical programmed, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Finally, I managed to enter and its midway of my first year, I hit the bottom rock. It was indeed a difficult time because I have to give up 3 years of efforts. Even if its my own decision to give it away, believe me, it was not easy, because we are all human beings with emotions. Once cherish, it will take a great deal of emotional breakdown to give it away. I live in pain, live in sorrows and almost went through pathological grief. I am really grateful for I have family and friends to support me. I managed to pull it through. It took 2 years to mend a broken heart.

Never in mind I will go through the same process again. The impact is ten thousand time worse, the repercussion is beyond imagination. First was in the first year of medical school and coincidentally for now it happen in the first posting of my working life. Kubler Ross described the cycle for grief. 5 stages – Denial, Anger,Bargain, Depression, Acceptance. After a struggling period, here I am in stage 5, the final stage.

” Sitting in the airplane, looking out to the window, the sky is so wide, azure blue sky. I used to sit beside the window, having different feelings few months back, yet today, its a whole new set of feelings. The pleuritic-like chest pain, it started as continuous throughout days and nights, until now, it has shift to intermittent in character. “

” Travelling down the same route, it reminded me how it was like years back. For now, what’s left is just vague images and a new set of feelings”

I’m quite an emotional type of person. It can be good and at the same time, it can be detrimental. Denying the truth, Angry for going through the same process, bargain for an impossible hope and possibility, depress for knowing it will never be the same again and finally accept as how it is. It’s a painful process but knowing in the future, when I look back, it will be different again, because we  grow up as time goes by, we progress as time goes by.

Question was being posed to me, “Will you still made the same decision if given a choice again?” Honestly, there can never be any answer to it. I’ve landed myself in this situation, for what had taken place, I must take it and move forward. I won’t lie to myself, at times, I will still give away to emotion, I will still breakdown. But, knowing towards the end, time will speak on behalf on me, time will act on behalf of me. I suppose, The Road Not Taken, precisely describe my answer to the questions being asked. 

It will be a brand new day tomorrow with new posting coming in, There’s no more time to stop and wait for life continue. Stage 5 will end soon. Looking up to the sky, I smile. Tomorrow will be a better day. I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learnt throughout the posting, I’m grateful for all turmoil of emotion and incidents which had taken place. One day, I will eventually reach the state where I’m able to smile over it, and give my blessings. That’s the wrap of my first posting.

  

 

 

 

放下

人生中有时候有很多的无奈。过去的将近两个月的时间，都把自己沉淀得很低出。人生至今，可谓伤得最重的一次，那心脏撕裂般的感受，有始至终也只有自己能体会。我相信每个人的一生，总会有那么一次的重伤。无数的夜里，白天，饭前，饭后，都以泪洗脸，这样的日子也过了将近两个月。记忆犹新，每一个记忆里的点，都活深深的在脑海里不断的重复。难怪，回忆可以很美好，也可以把你往无底洞里推一把，而你也不懂何时会落地。

事实上是自己为自己带来了很多的苦和痛。可以很潇洒的挥挥衣袖的离开，然而我却选择了最残酷的方式对待自己。固执带来了坚持，也同时带来了痛苦。我都很固执。纵使事实已经摆在眼前，也都不愿意接受，反而说出了好多理由，自欺欺人。原来此刻的放手，我却无法踏出那一步。心中还是期盼着会改变，期盼着变质了的那颗心。在那一刻的我，我坦诚，我会为了坚持而宽恕，为了坚持而接受。

昨日，情绪的波动到了极点，到了一个心灵上也不能承受的一个点。我把自己推到了无底深渊。歇斯底里的嚎啕大哭，差点也把那颗脆弱的心给哭出来了。我的外表可以看似坚强，但是，其实此时此刻我很脆弱。努力经营了两年的事，最终还是要把手放开。努力的捍卫，努力的挣扎，最后都是功亏一贵。最爱的也是伤得最重的。

今天，终于肯静下来，重新第一次整理自己的思绪。真的是第一次。我们不可能改变他人的想法，也不可能想让他人珍惜自己。都是有血有泪的人，才会有今天的伤感与悲痛。原来，我忘了当初自己对医学的热诚，也忘了人生的目标，同时也忘了自己最喜爱的一切活动。能身为医者，是我一生的梦想，我很想取之社会，用之社会。了解我的，都回懂得我那颗心。每当看到别人的痛苦，生活的苦，病痛的苦，我不禁会深感伤痛。为了这两年，我放弃了自己的理想，也放弃了自己的热诚。我可以很轻易放下热诚与梦想，只为了捉住这段。回想起来，我好久没有回馈社会了，好久没有参加义务活动了。我忘了自己的本分。这一次的伤痛，我很自私的把医务给忘了。

沉淀了许多，发现原来他是生命中的一个过客。两年的过客。是时候放下了，不想再伤害自己和身边的家人与朋友的关心。很感激这一切的发生，感激这个过客为我带了的智慧，让我体会了从来都没有想过的悲痛。对于生命，原来我始终都没能足够的体会。今天，走过了当初的痕迹，那份伤感也渐渐的减少了。身心的疲惫，减少了。最终，释放自己的，也只有自己。如果可以选者，我其实连美好的回忆也不想把他留下。原谅我的脆弱，我真的不想留下那部分美好的回忆。

不再向后望了。是时候，向前走下去。咬紧牙根，都必须走下去。我永远不会忘了这几个月的伤痛和悲痛。感情里，没有对与错，只有宽恕和包容。了解了这个道理，再也不会深感遗憾。抚心自问，是真的用尽了力量捍卫，保护，于付出，若是不能被体会，那就放手。所有的指责，所有的痛苦，时间总会让这一切被体会。潇洒的走下去。总会有个了解与珍惜自己的人。

Judge

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” ~ By Paulo Coelho

It was a long day in operating theater. She was the last case for us. No one expect she will deteriorate the next day. She is a young lady and was electively admitted for the operation. Who would have know, that was her last decision in her life.

The next day, all of the sudden, she had shortness of breath, with oxygen saturation level 80% despite with the aid of ventimask. She kept deteriorate, even with replacement of ventimask to high flow mask, her oxygen saturation level barely reach 75%. Subsequently, we had to intubate her in the ward in view of impending respiratory collapse. Her condition worsen. Blood pressure was unrecordable at times and all the peripheries were cold. She was then put on first inotrope. We were all puzzled because no one foresee a young patient could collapse all of the sudden with no comorbidities.

Sadly, she never progress well. 2 more inotropes were added, yet blood pressure still at borderline. The bad news was breached to her husband. He appeared calm, expressionless. I was so puzzled. I couldn’t help but to wonder why wouldn’t anyone be in tremendous shock and sad when they are receiving the bad news. Why is he so expressionless and emotionless?

The next day when I came to the ward, I realized she had passed off. I was told that her husband was crying out loud at that point of time. He was angry no one in the ward could save his wife. I stopped and reflect. The truth is no one on this earth share similar grief process. We used to think cry and emotional breakdown are the appropriate response towards bad news. When we saw the husband for the first time, we thought he was emotionless, without feelings towards his wife who was in critical illness. In fact, what we are doing is merely judging him by using our parameters.

We are human being with feelings, with conscience. For once we have this intact, for everything that takes place, there’s definitely a response towards it, especially departure of a human being. It’s indeed a sad news to everyone of us, for a young lady passed off. A moment of silence for her, may she rest in peace and may her family blessed with the courage to move on.

I keep wonder, keep ponder, what is life without emotions and conscience. It will be a cold place to live. No doubt, too much emotion can be detrimental at times, but what is life without feelings penetrating to our inner part of soul. To able to experience life, not only just sweetness, but bitter and pain, it takes a lot of courage.

Dedicated to my family and friends