26th of July

Day 118 – The counting end : )

~ Dedicated to me, my surrounding loves one

Everyone has their own milestone in life. Each and every step is customized and mark the end of a beginning. Day 118, I’ve accomplished a task, which I never thought I will. It mark the beginning of a new prospect of life. Finally, I am able to heave a sigh of relief. Breathing had never been so light as feather as the one I’m taking in right now. How long since I’m able to do this?:)

For some of us, we always choose to erase voluntarily certain memories, certain posts, certain footsteps we left behind. It certainly does not necessarily implies timid, weakness because each and everyone has their own way of handling a difficult situation. Should we judge? Should we cast a different look on them? No,we respect the differences. I choose to keep instead of erasing, it does not mean I’m strong, but I would like to have a good laugh at myself  when I’m ahead of myself in future. Well, for sure, I’ve been having a good laugh yesterday looking at my old posts. Hah! I’ve grown up. Reminiscing the past, reading the old posts, made me realised how far I’ve come from. 

For the past few months, I’ve been told to move on, to search, to let it go. The truth is, I’ve always been leading a life, with decision and plans made out of the courtesy of others. Indeed, it sounds ridiculous. Why would someone live a life of others? At least I thought I care enough to include them in the decision making process. In the end, its just left with tiredness and an empty hollow shell of mine. I truly understand why my surroundings loves one are telling and advising on the same thing. I apologize if it took me sometime to made up my mind, because for once in my life, I want to made the decision out on my own, I need the time to tidy up the messy thoughts, I need to buy myself some time to endure the process as never will I, be going through the same process again. 

Guess it is so much easy to lead your own life rather than others 🙂 Day 118, I’ve decided to untied the string to which that heavy stone was tied towards my ankle. There will be no strings left attached to. No sorrows, and no regrets, not to mention angers or hatred. If there’s only a word to describe, “renaissance” will be just nice 🙂 The magic which lies beneath every mistake, no doubt is learning. The whole world could easily pointing out to you the flaws and morals behind every story yet you will not be able to appreciate it if you do not learn it by heart. 

Thank you to the past, it definitely shaped me up to be a better person. Well I wouldn’t say I’m not prone to making any mistakes or weakness, not the strongest one on earth 🙂 at least I know where I’m heading to.

Truly appreciate for what had taken place, for peoples who have stand by me. I wouldn’t have made it if its not for them. I would not brag about people telling me, you appears to be beautiful nowadays. Beautiful, to be honest, I do not emphasized on it, after all it will fade away as time goes by. Beautiful, to me, is to be able to live just the way you are. I get to made the decision, I get to wear my own face without any make up on it, I get to laugh and smile just the way I am. Never will I be rushing towards anything again. There’s always a reason, that precious virtue behind that old saying, patience is golden.

To age with grace, To handle difficulties with grace 🙂

I try my best to contribute at the expense of my own. If only I could afford to, I will do it. I’m sorry if I do not explain much nowadays. For those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind 🙂

Dive for Dreams

Dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)

Trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)

Honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at this wedding)

Never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for god likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)

 

Grateful

 

 

 

 

 

I remembered I used to see a slogan hanging in one of my favourite specialist’s consultation room

“I complained I had no shoes, until I met someone who had no feet”

It takes one unfortunate event to remind another fortunate event; We wouldn’t realise how much we have until we see someone who barely have anything at all. Everyday life is a lesson to be learned, but how many of us will notice these little changes in life? How many of us will constantly remind ourselves of how grateful we are? To be honest, I don’t think I am at times.

Working in the Nephrology ward, stir up this long-lost slogan which was once cast in my mind. These young and adorable children made me realise how much I have and how much time I’ve wasted recently onto things which were barely significant.

Nephrology ward is the place where children suffering from kidney injury would be. Do you know how it feels to carry around a bulging, swelling over your wrist or forearm? This is what we called as arterio-venous fistula (AVF) which is used for hemodialysis purpose. It certainly does not appear to be pleasant-looking. As time goes by, it will have pigmented patches over it as a result of countless needle insertion on it. Three times in a week, they head to dialysis center, and for each session, they have to spend 4 hours for a session to be complete. Not until you are in their shoes, you won’t realise how tired it is at the end of the session. They will sleep for hours each time every session end. The child will not be growing appropriately in term of their body built, they will remain small in size. At times, owing to the progression of the disease, they will have the sallow complexion, lemonish-yellow skin appearance which no other powerful powder could camouflage it.

As they grow up, when they start to understand about their disease, living with chronic kidney injury, it will be a turmoil of emotion for them. We always emphasize on the quality of life, and yet how much this is going to apply on them? Forgive me, I don’t have the faith to even convince them when they ask me, or am I too shallow to understand it?

Living with chronic kidney injury, after all is not an easy task. You are living by the edge. Any rise in urea, any further deterioration of the function of kidney, or any superimposed infection could drive you one step closer to death. I used to station in a dialysis center  to write articles for their magazine.  Its a NGO-govern dialysis center for the poor. They live in poverty and at the same time, they live with chronic kidney injury which rendered them permanently on dialysis. Living with it does not imply they don’t need to work for a living. There’s one grumpy old man, who will always sitting at one corner and stare into the space. No matter how many attempts on talking to him, you can hardly get any response. Do not blame him, the truth is he has only himself, after all his family members left him behind after he was diagnosed with chronic kidney injury. Sometime, I wonder why God seem to give the hardest challenge to the unfortunate people while the fortunate ones are not even trying hard to appreciate what they already have. This is life, isn’t it?

8 days in Nephrology ward is truly an unforgettable experience. In the midst of rushing through everyday life, they made me stop and stare, to feel and to understand life instead of merely walking over it. I’m grateful for what I have and I should appreciate it. What happen in the past will remain in the past. I’m glad when I realised how far I’ve come from. No sadness, no sorrows, but only grateful. For the coming future, I know what I ought to do. Time made us stronger only if we allow it to 🙂 It’s all about time and strength.