26th of July

Day 118 – The counting end : )

~ Dedicated to me, my surrounding loves one

Everyone has their own milestone in life. Each and every step is customized and mark the end of a beginning. Day 118, I’ve accomplished a task, which I never thought I will. It mark the beginning of a new prospect of life. Finally, I am able to heave a sigh of relief. Breathing had never been so light as feather as the one I’m taking in right now. How long since I’m able to do this?:)

For some of us, we always choose to erase voluntarily certain memories, certain posts, certain footsteps we left behind. It certainly does not necessarily implies timid, weakness because each and everyone has their own way of handling a difficult situation. Should we judge? Should we cast a different look on them? No,we respect the differences. I choose to keep instead of erasing, it does not mean I’m strong, but I would like to have a good laugh at myself  when I’m ahead of myself in future. Well, for sure, I’ve been having a good laugh yesterday looking at my old posts. Hah! I’ve grown up. Reminiscing the past, reading the old posts, made me realised how far I’ve come from. 

For the past few months, I’ve been told to move on, to search, to let it go. The truth is, I’ve always been leading a life, with decision and plans made out of the courtesy of others. Indeed, it sounds ridiculous. Why would someone live a life of others? At least I thought I care enough to include them in the decision making process. In the end, its just left with tiredness and an empty hollow shell of mine. I truly understand why my surroundings loves one are telling and advising on the same thing. I apologize if it took me sometime to made up my mind, because for once in my life, I want to made the decision out on my own, I need the time to tidy up the messy thoughts, I need to buy myself some time to endure the process as never will I, be going through the same process again. 

Guess it is so much easy to lead your own life rather than others 🙂 Day 118, I’ve decided to untied the string to which that heavy stone was tied towards my ankle. There will be no strings left attached to. No sorrows, and no regrets, not to mention angers or hatred. If there’s only a word to describe, “renaissance” will be just nice 🙂 The magic which lies beneath every mistake, no doubt is learning. The whole world could easily pointing out to you the flaws and morals behind every story yet you will not be able to appreciate it if you do not learn it by heart. 

Thank you to the past, it definitely shaped me up to be a better person. Well I wouldn’t say I’m not prone to making any mistakes or weakness, not the strongest one on earth 🙂 at least I know where I’m heading to.

Truly appreciate for what had taken place, for peoples who have stand by me. I wouldn’t have made it if its not for them. I would not brag about people telling me, you appears to be beautiful nowadays. Beautiful, to be honest, I do not emphasized on it, after all it will fade away as time goes by. Beautiful, to me, is to be able to live just the way you are. I get to made the decision, I get to wear my own face without any make up on it, I get to laugh and smile just the way I am. Never will I be rushing towards anything again. There’s always a reason, that precious virtue behind that old saying, patience is golden.

To age with grace, To handle difficulties with grace 🙂

I try my best to contribute at the expense of my own. If only I could afford to, I will do it. I’m sorry if I do not explain much nowadays. For those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind 🙂

Dive for Dreams

Dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)

Trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)

Honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at this wedding)

Never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for god likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)

 

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Grateful

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I remembered I used to see a slogan hanging in one of my favourite specialist’s consultation room

“I complained I had no shoes, until I met someone who had no feet”

It takes one unfortunate event to remind another fortunate event; We wouldn’t realise how much we have until we see someone who barely have anything at all. Everyday life is a lesson to be learned, but how many of us will notice these little changes in life? How many of us will constantly remind ourselves of how grateful we are? To be honest, I don’t think I am at times.

Working in the Nephrology ward, stir up this long-lost slogan which was once cast in my mind. These young and adorable children made me realise how much I have and how much time I’ve wasted recently onto things which were barely significant.

Nephrology ward is the place where children suffering from kidney injury would be. Do you know how it feels to carry around a bulging, swelling over your wrist or forearm? This is what we called as arterio-venous fistula (AVF) which is used for hemodialysis purpose. It certainly does not appear to be pleasant-looking. As time goes by, it will have pigmented patches over it as a result of countless needle insertion on it. Three times in a week, they head to dialysis center, and for each session, they have to spend 4 hours for a session to be complete. Not until you are in their shoes, you won’t realise how tired it is at the end of the session. They will sleep for hours each time every session end. The child will not be growing appropriately in term of their body built, they will remain small in size. At times, owing to the progression of the disease, they will have the sallow complexion, lemonish-yellow skin appearance which no other powerful powder could camouflage it.

As they grow up, when they start to understand about their disease, living with chronic kidney injury, it will be a turmoil of emotion for them. We always emphasize on the quality of life, and yet how much this is going to apply on them? Forgive me, I don’t have the faith to even convince them when they ask me, or am I too shallow to understand it?

Living with chronic kidney injury, after all is not an easy task. You are living by the edge. Any rise in urea, any further deterioration of the function of kidney, or any superimposed infection could drive you one step closer to death. I used to station in a dialysis center  to write articles for their magazine.  Its a NGO-govern dialysis center for the poor. They live in poverty and at the same time, they live with chronic kidney injury which rendered them permanently on dialysis. Living with it does not imply they don’t need to work for a living. There’s one grumpy old man, who will always sitting at one corner and stare into the space. No matter how many attempts on talking to him, you can hardly get any response. Do not blame him, the truth is he has only himself, after all his family members left him behind after he was diagnosed with chronic kidney injury. Sometime, I wonder why God seem to give the hardest challenge to the unfortunate people while the fortunate ones are not even trying hard to appreciate what they already have. This is life, isn’t it?

8 days in Nephrology ward is truly an unforgettable experience. In the midst of rushing through everyday life, they made me stop and stare, to feel and to understand life instead of merely walking over it. I’m grateful for what I have and I should appreciate it. What happen in the past will remain in the past. I’m glad when I realised how far I’ve come from. No sadness, no sorrows, but only grateful. For the coming future, I know what I ought to do. Time made us stronger only if we allow it to 🙂 It’s all about time and strength.

 

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Pot of Greenery

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It’s been a tiring week with three night calls. Physically , as well as mentally tired. I don’t really like to have night calls because it could really drench you out, disturbs your biological clock, your emotions and strength. Thank God! It’s over, well, at least for now 🙂

A new hobby for me, gardening, or should I said planting a lot of plant. I don’t have much space to actually indulge in gardening, it’s just a corner of my apartment, that is all I have to keep the plants. I guess it’s really soothing, to feast your eyes on the green green plant 🙂 I’m quite a sentimental person, for every objects, every melody, will cast a twist in my thoughts.

The satisfactory thing you can obtain from gardening, no doubt will be seeing your plants growing healthily and blooming each and everyday, whereby it all started from a tiny leaf or a tiny seeds. Planting a plant, makes me realize, life sometime strike resemblance to the art of gardening. It all started from a seed perhaps, growing towards a sprout, with good condition it will grow into your desire plant; on the contrary, without a suitable condition, growth will halt and sooner or later, the plants will perish.

To be able to grow a new plant from the old pot that once you planted a plant which had shriveled off, is a new form of courage. Fear must not be that, fear of failing mustn’t be there. The old plant reminds you of your mistakes that you will carry it when you are planting the new one.

Life, is something unpredictable. You can get upset for a dying old plant, you can get frustrated and angry on why the plant shriveled up while you have putting in so much of efforts, but until the end, you must be tough, be brave, to continue growing new plant in the same old pot. Seeds may be different, but you are still the same old person who has the passion to move on with life.

It’s a tiring day. I better head off to rest.

Have a great day my friend 🙂

A white lie will remain as it is, while a true lie, will eventually prove itself wrong without anyone trying to

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Where is the stars

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Sometime, I wonder is there a same person, gazing upon the same sky that we all share at this moment of time, feeling the same way as I am.

Time can takes away the space that you have; time can ease away the feeling and empty your heart; Yet time can never erase the memory.

We can neither reboot life, nor that we can walk away from it. We just need to keep going on. I need to keep moving on.

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The wrap of first posting

Time flies, it’s been four months since my arrival to this state. I’ve completed my first posting. Throughout this 4 months, it reminded me a lot of incidents.

I remember the time when I’m fighting so hard to enter medical school, It was not easy. I almost landed myself in a field where I don’t even have any interest at all. If its not for a person who left the medical programmed, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Finally, I managed to enter and its midway of my first year, I hit the bottom rock. It was indeed a difficult time because I have to give up 3 years of efforts. Even if its my own decision to give it away, believe me, it was not easy, because we are all human beings with emotions. Once cherish, it will take a great deal of emotional breakdown to give it away. I live in pain, live in sorrows and almost went through pathological grief. I am really grateful for I have family and friends to support me. I managed to pull it through. It took 2 years to mend a broken heart.

Never in mind I will go through the same process again. The impact is ten thousand time worse, the repercussion is beyond imagination. First was in the first year of medical school and coincidentally for now it happen in the first posting of my working life. Kubler Ross described the cycle for grief. 5 stages – Denial, Anger,Bargain, Depression, Acceptance. After a struggling period, here I am in stage 5, the final stage.

” Sitting in the airplane, looking out to the window, the sky is so wide, azure blue sky. I used to sit beside the window, having different feelings few months back, yet today, its a whole new set of feelings. The pleuritic-like chest pain, it started as continuous throughout days and nights, until now, it has shift to intermittent in character. “

” Travelling down the same route, it reminded me how it was like years back. For now, what’s left is just vague images and a new set of feelings”

I’m quite an emotional type of person. It can be good and at the same time, it can be detrimental. Denying the truth, Angry for going through the same process, bargain for an impossible hope and possibility, depress for knowing it will never be the same again and finally accept as how it is. It’s a painful process but knowing in the future, when I look back, it will be different again, because we  grow up as time goes by, we progress as time goes by.

Question was being posed to me, “Will you still made the same decision if given a choice again?” Honestly, there can never be any answer to it. I’ve landed myself in this situation, for what had taken place, I must take it and move forward. I won’t lie to myself, at times, I will still give away to emotion, I will still breakdown. But, knowing towards the end, time will speak on behalf on me, time will act on behalf of me. I suppose, The Road Not Taken, precisely describe my answer to the questions being asked. 

It will be a brand new day tomorrow with new posting coming in, There’s no more time to stop and wait for life continue. Stage 5 will end soon. Looking up to the sky, I smile. Tomorrow will be a better day. I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learnt throughout the posting, I’m grateful for all turmoil of emotion and incidents which had taken place. One day, I will eventually reach the state where I’m able to smile over it, and give my blessings. That’s the wrap of my first posting.

  

 

 

 

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放下

人生中有时候有很多的无奈。过去的将近两个月的时间,都把自己沉淀得很低出。人生至今,可谓伤得最重的一次,那心脏撕裂般的感受,有始至终也只有自己能体会。我相信每个人的一生,总会有那么一次的重伤。无数的夜里,白天,饭前,饭后,都以泪洗脸,这样的日子也过了将近两个月。记忆犹新,每一个记忆里的点,都活深深的在脑海里不断的重复。难怪,回忆可以很美好,也可以把你往无底洞里推一把,而你也不懂何时会落地。

事实上是自己为自己带来了很多的苦和痛。可以很潇洒的挥挥衣袖的离开,然而我却选择了最残酷的方式对待自己。固执带来了坚持,也同时带来了痛苦。我都很固执。纵使事实已经摆在眼前,也都不愿意接受,反而说出了好多理由,自欺欺人。原来此刻的放手,我却无法踏出那一步。心中还是期盼着会改变,期盼着变质了的那颗心。在那一刻的我,我坦诚,我会为了坚持而宽恕,为了坚持而接受。

昨日,情绪的波动到了极点,到了一个心灵上也不能承受的一个点。我把自己推到了无底深渊。歇斯底里的嚎啕大哭,差点也把那颗脆弱的心给哭出来了。我的外表可以看似坚强,但是,其实此时此刻我很脆弱。努力经营了两年的事,最终还是要把手放开。努力的捍卫,努力的挣扎,最后都是功亏一贵。最爱的也是伤得最重的。

今天,终于肯静下来,重新第一次整理自己的思绪。真的是第一次。我们不可能改变他人的想法,也不可能想让他人珍惜自己。都是有血有泪的人,才会有今天的伤感与悲痛。原来,我忘了当初自己对医学的热诚,也忘了人生的目标,同时也忘了自己最喜爱的一切活动。能身为医者,是我一生的梦想,我很想取之社会,用之社会。了解我的,都回懂得我那颗心。每当看到别人的痛苦,生活的苦,病痛的苦,我不禁会深感伤痛。为了这两年,我放弃了自己的理想,也放弃了自己的热诚。我可以很轻易放下热诚与梦想,只为了捉住这段。回想起来,我好久没有回馈社会了,好久没有参加义务活动了。我忘了自己的本分。这一次的伤痛,我很自私的把医务给忘了。

沉淀了许多,发现原来他是生命中的一个过客。两年的过客。是时候放下了,不想再伤害自己和身边的家人与朋友的关心。很感激这一切的发生,感激这个过客为我带了的智慧,让我体会了从来都没有想过的悲痛。对于生命,原来我始终都没能足够的体会。今天,走过了当初的痕迹,那份伤感也渐渐的减少了。身心的疲惫,减少了。最终,释放自己的,也只有自己。如果可以选者,我其实连美好的回忆也不想把他留下。原谅我的脆弱,我真的不想留下那部分美好的回忆。

不再向后望了。是时候,向前走下去。咬紧牙根,都必须走下去。我永远不会忘了这几个月的伤痛和悲痛。感情里,没有对与错,只有宽恕和包容。了解了这个道理,再也不会深感遗憾。抚心自问,是真的用尽了力量捍卫,保护,于付出,若是不能被体会,那就放手。所有的指责,所有的痛苦,时间总会让这一切被体会。潇洒的走下去。总会有个了解与珍惜自己的人。

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Judge

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” ~ By Paulo Coelho

It was a long day in operating theater. She was the last case for us. No one expect she will deteriorate the next day. She is a young lady and was electively admitted for the operation. Who would have know, that was her last decision in her life.

The next day, all of the sudden, she had shortness of breath, with oxygen saturation level 80% despite with the aid of ventimask. She kept deteriorate, even with replacement of ventimask to high flow mask, her oxygen saturation level barely reach 75%. Subsequently, we had to intubate her in the ward in view of impending respiratory collapse. Her condition worsen. Blood pressure was unrecordable at times and all the peripheries were cold. She was then put on first inotrope. We were all puzzled because no one foresee a young patient could collapse all of the sudden with no comorbidities.

Sadly, she never progress well. 2 more inotropes were added, yet blood pressure still at borderline. The bad news was breached to her husband. He appeared calm, expressionless. I was so puzzled. I couldn’t help but to wonder why wouldn’t anyone be in tremendous shock and sad when they are receiving the bad news. Why is he so expressionless and emotionless?

The next day when I came to the ward, I realized she had passed off. I was told that her husband was crying out loud at that point of time. He was angry no one in the ward could save his wife. I stopped and reflect. The truth is no one on this earth share similar grief process. We used to think cry and emotional breakdown are the appropriate response towards bad news. When we saw the husband for the first time, we thought he was emotionless, without feelings towards his wife who was in critical illness. In fact, what we are doing is merely judging him by using our parameters.

We are human being with feelings, with conscience. For once we have this intact, for everything that takes place, there’s definitely a response towards it, especially departure of a human being. It’s indeed a sad news to everyone of us, for a young lady passed off. A moment of silence for her, may she rest in peace and may her family blessed with the courage to move on.

I keep wonder, keep ponder, what is life without emotions and conscience. It will be a cold place to live. No doubt, too much emotion can be detrimental at times, but what is life without feelings penetrating to our inner part of soul. To able to experience life, not only just sweetness, but bitter and pain, it takes a lot of courage.

Dedicated to my family and friends

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