Tag Archives: meaningful

Magical Touch

Its been quite some time since the last update from this blog. Well, I’m just being lazy. Keeping is so much easier than to type it out.

Being in this new posting for nearly 2 months, perhaps these recent 1 week makes me feel alive and touched. Her magical touch. I used to think about just to sail through this posting because it felt so much different as compared to the previous one. For now, apart from the new experiences, knowledges, I’ve started to ease away the numbness towards life and death.

From antenatal ward to gynae oncology ward, that transition from happiness in receiving newborns to sadness and despair from knowing your patient will eventually pass away or succumb to her illness. I’ve been taking care of her for the past few days. She came in with a grossly distended abdomen. It’s cancer. Cancer is eating away her day by day that you could see her maxillary bone so well. That cachexic appearance is like a reminder, the clock is ticking and it might be nearing the end or the beginning of more sufferings. She has advance carcinoma complicated with ascites (accumulation of fluid in the abdomen), Knowing it is a malignant ascites, she will be facing with a tough everyday life.

It’s like a balloon, when you keep pumping in the air, it’s getting so much distended until it outweigh its capacity, then it will give away. This is exactly what is happening to her. Stretching and stretching of peritoneum, nerves, causing her so much pain that despite daily tapping of the fluid, she stills experience that excruciating pain. We always assess her pain score, quantitatively measuring her pain, but we may never know the intensity and quality of the pain. Pain can be never be described so easily. Quality of her sleep deeply affected. She can only sit or stand in order to sleep. Can you imagine the long whole night, with the intense degree of pain, you can’t sleep?

I got exceptionally angry towards the surgeon who operated her at the first place in private setting. Being a doctor is not a money-earning industry, its to do no harm to your fellow human beings, to cure, care and comfort them. Her operation was not even an optimum surgery, leaving behinds all the tumour deposits leading to malignant ascites. So much of anger towards the surgeon. Ethical? Hipprocrates oath? Has she thought about it? Did she place herself in the patient’s and their family members’ shoes? Dealing with cancer is not about handling the patient, but her family members as well. Her mistakes, ignorance, taking a huge cost at the expense of this lovely patient, as well as causing a lost to the respective family members.

It’s not good for being too attached to patient, but somehow she touches my heart, probably because I’ve seen 2 of my relatives suffering and succumb to terminal illness. She never complaint of pain unless it’s so unbearable. The day when I tried to do a peritoneal tapping for her, I remember vividly that she was grabbing my hands so tight and begging for her life to be taken away. Living is so much suffering to her, she said. Standing there, I couldn’t do anything but only pat. I felt so much pain inside. Visual analogue scale for pain score, 8 over 10. Seeing her wriggling with pain, and there’s nothing I can do as a medical practitioner. It’s not professional to tears in front of your patient, but I’m sorry that I could not hold it back. I got so annoyed seeing pain experts kept pressing her on pain score.

Depression is a side effect from dying, dying from a terminal illness. Towards the end, religion is the only way I could resort to for comfort. I was once told that, towards the end of a suffering, that’s when miracles happen, just like dawn comes after the darkest. I pray so much that she can be release from this suffering. I shall end this post with a poem.

Wings of a jet plane provide steady flight
I pray you remain steady and strong through this fight

Butterflies have wings to fly playfully free
And free from this monster is what I pray you’ll soon be

Birds spread their wings as they may leave their nest
We’re spreading our prayers that you’ll always be Blessed

At the end of this, rainbows and colourful sky waiting for you



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I remembered I used to see a slogan hanging in one of my favourite specialist’s consultation room

“I complained I had no shoes, until I met someone who had no feet”

It takes one unfortunate event to remind another fortunate event; We wouldn’t realise how much we have until we see someone who barely have anything at all. Everyday life is a lesson to be learned, but how many of us will notice these little changes in life? How many of us will constantly remind ourselves of how grateful we are? To be honest, I don’t think I am at times.

Working in the Nephrology ward, stir up this long-lost slogan which was once cast in my mind. These young and adorable children made me realise how much I have and how much time I’ve wasted recently onto things which were barely significant.

Nephrology ward is the place where children suffering from kidney injury would be. Do you know how it feels to carry around a bulging, swelling over your wrist or forearm? This is what we called as arterio-venous fistula (AVF) which is used for hemodialysis purpose. It certainly does not appear to be pleasant-looking. As time goes by, it will have pigmented patches over it as a result of countless needle insertion on it. Three times in a week, they head to dialysis center, and for each session, they have to spend 4 hours for a session to be complete. Not until you are in their shoes, you won’t realise how tired it is at the end of the session. They will sleep for hours each time every session end. The child will not be growing appropriately in term of their body built, they will remain small in size. At times, owing to the progression of the disease, they will have the sallow complexion, lemonish-yellow skin appearance which no other powerful powder could camouflage it.

As they grow up, when they start to understand about their disease, living with chronic kidney injury, it will be a turmoil of emotion for them. We always emphasize on the quality of life, and yet how much this is going to apply on them? Forgive me, I don’t have the faith to even convince them when they ask me, or am I too shallow to understand it?

Living with chronic kidney injury, after all is not an easy task. You are living by the edge. Any rise in urea, any further deterioration of the function of kidney, or any superimposed infection could drive you one step closer to death. I used to station in a dialysis center  to write articles for their magazine.  Its a NGO-govern dialysis center for the poor. They live in poverty and at the same time, they live with chronic kidney injury which rendered them permanently on dialysis. Living with it does not imply they don’t need to work for a living. There’s one grumpy old man, who will always sitting at one corner and stare into the space. No matter how many attempts on talking to him, you can hardly get any response. Do not blame him, the truth is he has only himself, after all his family members left him behind after he was diagnosed with chronic kidney injury. Sometime, I wonder why God seem to give the hardest challenge to the unfortunate people while the fortunate ones are not even trying hard to appreciate what they already have. This is life, isn’t it?

8 days in Nephrology ward is truly an unforgettable experience. In the midst of rushing through everyday life, they made me stop and stare, to feel and to understand life instead of merely walking over it. I’m grateful for what I have and I should appreciate it. What happen in the past will remain in the past. I’m glad when I realised how far I’ve come from. No sadness, no sorrows, but only grateful. For the coming future, I know what I ought to do. Time made us stronger only if we allow it to 🙂 It’s all about time and strength.


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Naive or Simple

I realised a weird pattern of behaviors or I rather said a paradoxical behaviors. As we get older in age, our thoughts get more complicated. Back to the time when we were still a kid, our view may be as simple as 123 or abc. To quote an example, a smile on the face of others.
Children: This person is so friendly :D!
Adult: A sudden smile? Nothing comes without strings attached! What is his/her up to???

Well, not to say a little bit of thinking is not doing any good at time, but sometime too much of thinking will place a lot of burden in your mind that you are unable to be analytical. Thus, appropriate thinking is wise, too much of thinking become suspicious.

Some would say children are so naive, I would rather said they are simple. The beauty of simplicity is what we should learn to appreciate and apply in our daily life. I feel apologetic towards my cerebrum as I placed a hectic, unnecessary task for her everyday.

I heard a meaningful true story yesterday, about a 8-year-old boy who has acquired lower limb malformation which rendered him unable to ambulate himself. He had to rely on his mother to carry him to school everyday! They live in poverty. There were once one of the volunteer asked him what does he want the most? He said, “Please give me horse so I can ride to school everyday and my mother won’t have to carry me around” Such a simple, direct yet soul-touching response. He is not naive in fact. He is a bright child who is portraying the beauty of simplicity. We are once as simple as the boy. Sadly, how many of us still remained the same as how we used to be? I doubt myself in this.

We refuse to open up our mind and speak from the bottom of our heart. I value people who are able to speak truthfully. I am still learning to be simple, to stay away from complicated events and thoughts, to be able to speak up my feeling to the person I care.

I will be able to achieve it! Have faith!

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Days of volunteering

Today marked the third day of my volunteering work in Tzu Chi as a photographer and writer (yeah, apparently now I can be a so-called photographer). This volunteering work took place at a dialysis center in Penang. Everyday, I was assigned to a patient with the aim to elicit and share their stories.

A year spent at hospital definitely take a toll on me. Literally, I undergone metamorphosis, which is from an emotional person towards becoming a numb-hearted person. I used to sob after seeing ill patient at the hospital. Now, it took hours perhaps? or it could be a totally-no-feeling-at-all person. Thus, when I landed myself at the dialysis center, the urge to write each and every story of them gradually weakened because I doubt my ability in eliciting and sharing their stories! Well, luckily I have a guardian of angel! Haha!

Allow me to express my feelings in Chinese words (I’m sorry if some of you might not be able to understand):


聆听肾友细述他们的经历时,常会听到他们曾经自问为何上天偏偏选择了贫穷的人们来受尽病痛的苦难。其实,当时的我也不解所思。然而再仔细聆听了师姑 (guardian of angel XD)的解说后,我渐渐地了解生命的真理。生生灭灭,凡事都是有因与果。种下了什么因,就会得到什么样的果。虽然很无奈地被病痛给盯上,但是换个角度来想,既然已经不能改变事实,为何不尝试改变自己的心态来积极地面对疾病?不应该觉得懊恼而一直转牛角尖,这样最终会困在一个圈圈里头。改变心态是很艰难,可是它不是一件不可能的事。其中一位肾友的乐观深深地打动了我。

“信善要及时,孝顺要及时” 我对当义工的意念是想借由自己的一双手,在自己的能力范围内帮助需要帮助的人。很常听到师姑说,一切皆是空。起初是很不明白其中的道理。但是,渐渐的我了解了在我们生活中的一切,其实原本是来自于没有的起点。意味着不要太过于执着一样事物,因为万物皆是空。把握当下,就是用心了!

Thank You for every experience! 感恩!

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Move Forward

I read one article recently. It’s quite meaningful and straight forward about life. I would like to share it out so that everyone get the chance to read 😀 By the way its in chinese language.


       你可能覺得難過 ,

  因為無論你對他怎麼好 他都不領情
  他不是看不到 他只是裝作看不到
  聯繫不到他的時候 你擔心他擔心的快瘋了

      不要一直發短信給他 ,
  你覺得那很正常 不算苛求
  記住 你的想法不代表他的想法
  所以 別覺得你那麼愛他是偉大的
  你說道理你都懂 只是你做不好
  所以如果你喜歡他 他不喜歡你
  就算你會難過 甚至難過的流淚






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