Tag Archives: philosophy

Choices

I will start this post by telling a short story. I wonder any of you came across this story before. There is this sibling of two, A and B, personalities are of the exact opposite to each other, A being positive and B being negative minded. During their childhood period. Their father tried to alter their personality. He bought a bunch of new toys and gave it to B. On the other hand, he brought A to a stable which was piled up with faeces. 2 hours later, he saw B was hugging his new toys and crying endlessly. Surprisingly A was happily digging the faeces in searching for something. So this father asked B why is he crying instead of playing with his new bunch of toys. 
“If I play with it, they might get old, they might spoil and I wouldn’t have anything left” said B

“What about you A? Why are you so happy playing in this setting” father asked. 

“I’m trying to search for a pony beneath those faeces” A giggled in reply. 

From that day onward, he stopped in trying to alter their personality. Subsequently, as they grew up, A is is the cheerful person and B is still being the negative minded one. B will always be staring at his half filled cup of drinks, grieving at how soon the cup will be empty while A is always grateful for the half full of cup that he has. In the end, B lives in sorrows and A live with content. 

In real life, in fact there is only two choices to be made, to be positive or to be negative. Every event will always has two side of it, just like the above mentioned story. A cup of empty glass or a cup of half full glass, it depends on how you view it as. If you choose to be B, the cup will never be replenish because all you could ever think of is how soon it will come to an end. If you choose to be A, the cup always stand a chance to be replenish, even with a better drink perhaps. 

When I look around recently, there are few people and incidents who reminded me of this story as well as my past. There are so many challenges which I encountered along the way. I swear at certain point I was behaving almost like B. It’s a vicious cycle, that when you encounter a difficulty, you couldn’t get what you want so easily, you started to sway away from being positive and then you trap yourself in denial phase of the Kübler Ross grief cycle. Subsequently you shape yourself in a way that you stop trying and get engulfed by fear. In the end you live by seeking empathy from people. 

The truth is, you can never lead a life without facing some challenges. It’s only rainy days which will make you appreciate the sunny days, it’s only down part of the life which pushes you to achieve the seemingly impossible task. Life is not always about the down part of it, be grateful with what you have. 

I really consider myself as one of the luckiest person in the world, for having constant motivation from family and friends around. If it wouldn’t for them, I will still be digging endlessly. I always believe what lies in front and ahead is the best arrangement that I could ever have. Well it comes with tears and sorrows, but towards the end, I know it will be fruitful. 

Start making the choices in your life. I wish you all the best 🙂 

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Judgemental

This time around, I do not have any short stories to share, but this post is going to be rather emotional. I find it very hard for one not to be judgemental. We always start to think from our own perspective. I am one of that kind, although I’m not proud of it, yes, I’m still practicing it, irony.  Yesterday, I passed by bed 28 in male ward. It felt so weird because the middle age gentleman who was admitted there for months is no longer in it. He had gone towards a better place. This gentleman is in his terminal stage of illness. Nostalgic, because all you can see is a transition of alive person walking towards his end of life. I can still recalled he walks in for his elective surgery, I was setting up the intravenous cananulla for him, all he talked about was his glorious day. He asked, what do you think about my surgery? It’s going to be a successful one isn’t it? Well, I’m skeptical about it but I remained silence, all I could afford to give is reassurance. I apologize because I will not mentioned much in details regarding his illness and his operation. So this gentleman underwent his surgery and unfortunately he had to deal with the complications. Amazingly, he pull it through but he lost one of his lower limb. Days in intensive care unit, finally he was back to ward. Well, life is not a bed of roses for him. And again, he had to face with wound breakdowns and bouts of infection. All I could see is another Kübler Ross grief cycle right in front of my eyes. Not everyone can handle the devastation of losing a limb well, especially for a male chauvinist like him. I had to say, he has strong determination to live because he never call for a suicide, never heave any sigh of sadness. We can only paid him a few visits, trying our best to cheer him up. It was until one week ago, he was literally drowning with the fast accumulation of fluids in lung due to his cancer. The last I went to see him, he was already frail and fragile, a shell without a soul. Subsequently, he passed away few days later at home.  That few months of his life, it was all in misery. We thought the surgery would buy him some time, a better quality of life and yet it was proven not. I was frustrated, it reminded me of the lady I saw during my gyne oncology posting, purely heart wrenching. Has he not decided for the surgery in such a strong determination, he will not put himself in such misery, but then again, I know he won’t give up if there’s any chance of buying him some time. Sometimes what we think is good for a person might not turn out to be one. Because we are all judgemental. This episode might cause an enormous sufferings to him but it did brought him closer to his family.  We always take things for granted. We thought we have so little that we forgot what we have is too much to be remembered and appreciate. We thought things that we have will always be there, ought to be there, the truth is nothing last forever. We will not appreciate until we lost it. It’s the ugly side of human nature.  May he rest in peace, may he found himself in a land with no sorrows but only happiness.

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Short story 2

How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is fine 🙂 This will be the second short stories for the week

It’s going to be quite a short one. I heard it from my folks that recently there’s one gentleman, at his mid 50, has a swelling over his neck region. It has been there for some time and he just got some investigations done. From the presentation and results of investigations, I’m guessing it’s most likely a NPC. He was suggested for radiotherapy. Unfortunately, he refused and opted for traditional way of healing. Instead of accepting the option of treatment suggested by the doctors, he chooses to believe that he is alright because his God said so via some rituals ceremony. I’m not trying to say it sounds ridiculous, of course I respect the diversity in culture. I just felt sad because knowing this will delay the treatment, knowing that NPC is curable. Perhaps health education has not been carried out sufficiently, or perhaps public education in the rural areas is insufficient. This gentleman is just one out of the thousands or millions people out there who is misled by others. There are many more examples and many more people who could have been missing the boat of proper treatment and leading to death.

I’m not sure whether this gentleman is going through the Koehler model of grief that he refused for treatment. He was compensated by the insurance company. Despite advises from his friends, he still insist on his own decision. To my surprise, his family members, his spouse supported his decision. Today I came across the picture of him and his spouse in a gathering with my folks. I can’t help but to feel sad. As a medical practitioner it’s very distress seeing this because you can predict the outcome.

It’s painful to lose someone you love, it’s painful to let the people who love you dearly to go through the pain of losing you. You may be gone, but they are still there mourning, grieving every single day. At this point of time, I recalled a though put from my friend, she said those people who is going to be intubated, should be given a chance, a word to their close one, because no one know what’s going to happen next. I agreed.

I can only pray for them for I can’t any further to make a difference.

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Short stories 1

I would like to call these posts as short stories. It’s almost a quarter to the end of my housemanship. I still remember I started from scratch about a year and half ago. Pediatric posting taught me to be born normal is a gift of life rather than being the prettiest child in town. Obstetrics and gynecology posting taught me being a mother is not an easy task and it takes a lot of sacrifices. Medical posting tells me that we can never breach the poverty gap, the sicks one from rural areas can never gain assess to health care system as easy as we thought of. I’m currently in orthopedic posting, the dreadful posting that I loath the most. I don’t really favor orthopedic since my medical school years. Nevertheless, orthopedics reminds me family support in the journey of healing. This post is about a young gentleman, who lost both of his right upper and lower limb. It’s about a month from now, this gentleman had an alleged motor vehicle accidents. Half of his body was trapped inside the car. When he reached the hospital, he was in bad shape, with both upper and lower limbs crush. He underwent few operations and was admitted to ICU. The orthopedic team tried as best as they could to salvage his limbs. The crush injuries were so bad that his kidneys started to shut down, rendered him on dialysis. The team had no choice but to counsel the family members for amputation. They could not make up their mind, after all taking away limbs was not an easy choice that anyone could ever imagine, he is just a 23 years old young gentleman, waiting to get marry in about few months time. Few days of struggle, they finally decided for amputations because this gentleman was in such a bad shape that he developed 1 episode of cardiac arrest. 
He woke up to realize he lost both right upper and lower limbs. When I first saw him in the ward, he was look depressed, so much that he refused to be communicative, he was basically a shell without any soul in it. And then I saw his family members, his parents, an old man with hunchbacked together with his wife, accompanied this gentleman days and night, waking up in the middle of night from time to time to feed him through his nasogastric tubes. I have the habit of walking around in the ward in the middle of the night to check on patients when I’m on duty. The figures of them, sleeping on a chair, tiring face and yet still smile each time when I tried to take the morning bloods. They told me he is a cheerful child, tough child that never fear of pain. The pain in his heart right now, is something we can hardly imagine.
One week later, he finally open up, started his first sentence, waving to me. I am so touched. It’s the family support that do all the healing. I know the journey ahead will not be a bed of roses to him, but at least he is casting his first step. 
I’m really grateful for what I have. At times, I get so frustrated, but to stop and look, to feel with your heart, I am so lucky and that little bit of frustration in life evaporated instantly. There are so many questions popping up when I look at this gentleman. His fiancé is always beside him during his stays in hospital. If you are the fiancé, what will you do? There’s no right or wrong, in choosing to leave or stay. I guess we will never be able to give an answer because we are not in her shoes. 
Vow~ a promise for better, for worse, in sickness and in health

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Time

It was like 5 months apart since my last post. I’ve got so lazy to update my blog. Both my third and 4th posting have eaten up a lot of time, well to be honest, I spent most of the time sleeping, that’s how tiring it is. Ya, my life is boring, you might say, but  being a houseman, sometimes it just left you no other better options.

Time flies, have I not tell you, I’m at my 4th posting 🙂 I started my housemanship exactly 1 year and 3 months ago. Fuhhhh! Heaving a sigh of relief, 9 more months to go and with God’s grace, I shall be completing the second chapter of the life. Looking around the hospital nowadays, you can see a lot of new faces, the new bunch of first poster. I still remember I was as confused and excited at the same time as they are. I was so anxious and nervous when seniors asked to do venepuncture, branula insertion and taking blood gas. “Please let me get this right! I don’t want to be taken as a stupid first poster!” Every failed branulas insertion, I will be crying out loud deep inside my heart. It will be so embarrassing to ask seniors to help you with this kind of job when they are so busy with their works. My first posting was surgery. I’m lucky enough as they are many senior posters who are so helpful. The first night shift with them can never be so calming.

Being a houseman differs a lot from being a medical student. As a medical student, I missed the time of case presentation, a lot of questions that you were allowed to challenge your professor and vice versa. I missed that palpitations while performing in OSCE and VIVA with my respectable professors. Somehow, being a houseman, you have fewer privileges as compared to a medical student. I need to think twice before asking a question because you might just ended up with a sarcasm. That is just discouraging. Well, there are pros and cons. Good thing is, you will make sure you know everything, bad thing is not everyone taking sarcasm as easy as some others do and in the end, it shunt them away from learning.

I’ve been through some ugly incidents, events that I would like to call as “shitty” event. To be honest, I wasn’t so good in ECG interpretation. Axis deviation, ventricular strain pattern, ectopic beat, that just sounds advance to me initially. I can recalled an embarrass incident whereby my superior asking me to read the ECG. “Are you sure you are a houseman?” I was so disappointed with myself, I had never received such comment. Felt like digging a hole and hide myself up. Since that incident onward, I push myself to learn every bit of ECG that I can.

There are so many ups and downs during my housemanship. The first 5 months was a nightmare to me because of unforeseen circumstances. I thought I would have give up and ask for a transfer. I choose a place where I don’t even like and I brought myself to face with all the shitty events. I was literally writhes with all regrets, anger, fear and frustration. Poof! Times flies and time changes a person. I could still remember what I called as my strong pole in my life, aka my mother used to tell me, “time is the great healer, always. If you can’t pull yourself through, no one can help you with it” Devastation changed me, situation changed me, and my mom changed me 🙂 If you ask me, do you regret choosing this place? The answer is no. Well, I guess every cloud has a silver lining. There might be a lot of obstacles and not to be mentioned sacrifices in the beginning of it, but towards the end, I’ve become a stronger person, ADL independent, haha! I spent 21 years of my life living in glass house, shower with love by my family members without learning to face difficulties.

I’m not saying I won’t made a mistake right now, but I promise I will try to avoid it. Whatever happen in the past, it is always deeply seated in my memories, at times I might still break down but it’s not as bad as how it was. It just remind me to move on, with grace.

I’m not sure whether I can made it to my goals, but for sure I will work hard for it. Here to the future, and to the future you 🙂

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Magical Touch

Its been quite some time since the last update from this blog. Well, I’m just being lazy. Keeping is so much easier than to type it out.

Being in this new posting for nearly 2 months, perhaps these recent 1 week makes me feel alive and touched. Her magical touch. I used to think about just to sail through this posting because it felt so much different as compared to the previous one. For now, apart from the new experiences, knowledges, I’ve started to ease away the numbness towards life and death.

From antenatal ward to gynae oncology ward, that transition from happiness in receiving newborns to sadness and despair from knowing your patient will eventually pass away or succumb to her illness. I’ve been taking care of her for the past few days. She came in with a grossly distended abdomen. It’s cancer. Cancer is eating away her day by day that you could see her maxillary bone so well. That cachexic appearance is like a reminder, the clock is ticking and it might be nearing the end or the beginning of more sufferings. She has advance carcinoma complicated with ascites (accumulation of fluid in the abdomen), Knowing it is a malignant ascites, she will be facing with a tough everyday life.

It’s like a balloon, when you keep pumping in the air, it’s getting so much distended until it outweigh its capacity, then it will give away. This is exactly what is happening to her. Stretching and stretching of peritoneum, nerves, causing her so much pain that despite daily tapping of the fluid, she stills experience that excruciating pain. We always assess her pain score, quantitatively measuring her pain, but we may never know the intensity and quality of the pain. Pain can be never be described so easily. Quality of her sleep deeply affected. She can only sit or stand in order to sleep. Can you imagine the long whole night, with the intense degree of pain, you can’t sleep?

I got exceptionally angry towards the surgeon who operated her at the first place in private setting. Being a doctor is not a money-earning industry, its to do no harm to your fellow human beings, to cure, care and comfort them. Her operation was not even an optimum surgery, leaving behinds all the tumour deposits leading to malignant ascites. So much of anger towards the surgeon. Ethical? Hipprocrates oath? Has she thought about it? Did she place herself in the patient’s and their family members’ shoes? Dealing with cancer is not about handling the patient, but her family members as well. Her mistakes, ignorance, taking a huge cost at the expense of this lovely patient, as well as causing a lost to the respective family members.

It’s not good for being too attached to patient, but somehow she touches my heart, probably because I’ve seen 2 of my relatives suffering and succumb to terminal illness. She never complaint of pain unless it’s so unbearable. The day when I tried to do a peritoneal tapping for her, I remember vividly that she was grabbing my hands so tight and begging for her life to be taken away. Living is so much suffering to her, she said. Standing there, I couldn’t do anything but only pat. I felt so much pain inside. Visual analogue scale for pain score, 8 over 10. Seeing her wriggling with pain, and there’s nothing I can do as a medical practitioner. It’s not professional to tears in front of your patient, but I’m sorry that I could not hold it back. I got so annoyed seeing pain experts kept pressing her on pain score.

Depression is a side effect from dying, dying from a terminal illness. Towards the end, religion is the only way I could resort to for comfort. I was once told that, towards the end of a suffering, that’s when miracles happen, just like dawn comes after the darkest. I pray so much that she can be release from this suffering. I shall end this post with a poem.

Wings of a jet plane provide steady flight
I pray you remain steady and strong through this fight

Butterflies have wings to fly playfully free
And free from this monster is what I pray you’ll soon be

Birds spread their wings as they may leave their nest
We’re spreading our prayers that you’ll always be Blessed

At the end of this, rainbows and colourful sky waiting for you

 

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26th of July

Day 118 – The counting end : )

~ Dedicated to me, my surrounding loves one

Everyone has their own milestone in life. Each and every step is customized and mark the end of a beginning. Day 118, I’ve accomplished a task, which I never thought I will. It mark the beginning of a new prospect of life. Finally, I am able to heave a sigh of relief. Breathing had never been so light as feather as the one I’m taking in right now. How long since I’m able to do this?:)

For some of us, we always choose to erase voluntarily certain memories, certain posts, certain footsteps we left behind. It certainly does not necessarily implies timid, weakness because each and everyone has their own way of handling a difficult situation. Should we judge? Should we cast a different look on them? No,we respect the differences. I choose to keep instead of erasing, it does not mean I’m strong, but I would like to have a good laugh at myself  when I’m ahead of myself in future. Well, for sure, I’ve been having a good laugh yesterday looking at my old posts. Hah! I’ve grown up. Reminiscing the past, reading the old posts, made me realised how far I’ve come from. 

For the past few months, I’ve been told to move on, to search, to let it go. The truth is, I’ve always been leading a life, with decision and plans made out of the courtesy of others. Indeed, it sounds ridiculous. Why would someone live a life of others? At least I thought I care enough to include them in the decision making process. In the end, its just left with tiredness and an empty hollow shell of mine. I truly understand why my surroundings loves one are telling and advising on the same thing. I apologize if it took me sometime to made up my mind, because for once in my life, I want to made the decision out on my own, I need the time to tidy up the messy thoughts, I need to buy myself some time to endure the process as never will I, be going through the same process again. 

Guess it is so much easy to lead your own life rather than others 🙂 Day 118, I’ve decided to untied the string to which that heavy stone was tied towards my ankle. There will be no strings left attached to. No sorrows, and no regrets, not to mention angers or hatred. If there’s only a word to describe, “renaissance” will be just nice 🙂 The magic which lies beneath every mistake, no doubt is learning. The whole world could easily pointing out to you the flaws and morals behind every story yet you will not be able to appreciate it if you do not learn it by heart. 

Thank you to the past, it definitely shaped me up to be a better person. Well I wouldn’t say I’m not prone to making any mistakes or weakness, not the strongest one on earth 🙂 at least I know where I’m heading to.

Truly appreciate for what had taken place, for peoples who have stand by me. I wouldn’t have made it if its not for them. I would not brag about people telling me, you appears to be beautiful nowadays. Beautiful, to be honest, I do not emphasized on it, after all it will fade away as time goes by. Beautiful, to me, is to be able to live just the way you are. I get to made the decision, I get to wear my own face without any make up on it, I get to laugh and smile just the way I am. Never will I be rushing towards anything again. There’s always a reason, that precious virtue behind that old saying, patience is golden.

To age with grace, To handle difficulties with grace 🙂

I try my best to contribute at the expense of my own. If only I could afford to, I will do it. I’m sorry if I do not explain much nowadays. For those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind 🙂

Dive for Dreams

Dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)

Trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)

Honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at this wedding)

Never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for god likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)

 

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