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Choices

I will start this post by telling a short story. I wonder any of you came across this story before. There is this sibling of two, A and B, personalities are of the exact opposite to each other, A being positive and B being negative minded. During their childhood period. Their father tried to alter their personality. He bought a bunch of new toys and gave it to B. On the other hand, he brought A to a stable which was piled up with faeces. 2 hours later, he saw B was hugging his new toys and crying endlessly. Surprisingly A was happily digging the faeces in searching for something. So this father asked B why is he crying instead of playing with his new bunch of toys. 
“If I play with it, they might get old, they might spoil and I wouldn’t have anything left” said B

“What about you A? Why are you so happy playing in this setting” father asked. 

“I’m trying to search for a pony beneath those faeces” A giggled in reply. 

From that day onward, he stopped in trying to alter their personality. Subsequently, as they grew up, A is is the cheerful person and B is still being the negative minded one. B will always be staring at his half filled cup of drinks, grieving at how soon the cup will be empty while A is always grateful for the half full of cup that he has. In the end, B lives in sorrows and A live with content. 

In real life, in fact there is only two choices to be made, to be positive or to be negative. Every event will always has two side of it, just like the above mentioned story. A cup of empty glass or a cup of half full glass, it depends on how you view it as. If you choose to be B, the cup will never be replenish because all you could ever think of is how soon it will come to an end. If you choose to be A, the cup always stand a chance to be replenish, even with a better drink perhaps. 

When I look around recently, there are few people and incidents who reminded me of this story as well as my past. There are so many challenges which I encountered along the way. I swear at certain point I was behaving almost like B. It’s a vicious cycle, that when you encounter a difficulty, you couldn’t get what you want so easily, you started to sway away from being positive and then you trap yourself in denial phase of the Kübler Ross grief cycle. Subsequently you shape yourself in a way that you stop trying and get engulfed by fear. In the end you live by seeking empathy from people. 

The truth is, you can never lead a life without facing some challenges. It’s only rainy days which will make you appreciate the sunny days, it’s only down part of the life which pushes you to achieve the seemingly impossible task. Life is not always about the down part of it, be grateful with what you have. 

I really consider myself as one of the luckiest person in the world, for having constant motivation from family and friends around. If it wouldn’t for them, I will still be digging endlessly. I always believe what lies in front and ahead is the best arrangement that I could ever have. Well it comes with tears and sorrows, but towards the end, I know it will be fruitful. 

Start making the choices in your life. I wish you all the best 🙂 

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Judgemental

This time around, I do not have any short stories to share, but this post is going to be rather emotional. I find it very hard for one not to be judgemental. We always start to think from our own perspective. I am one of that kind, although I’m not proud of it, yes, I’m still practicing it, irony.  Yesterday, I passed by bed 28 in male ward. It felt so weird because the middle age gentleman who was admitted there for months is no longer in it. He had gone towards a better place. This gentleman is in his terminal stage of illness. Nostalgic, because all you can see is a transition of alive person walking towards his end of life. I can still recalled he walks in for his elective surgery, I was setting up the intravenous cananulla for him, all he talked about was his glorious day. He asked, what do you think about my surgery? It’s going to be a successful one isn’t it? Well, I’m skeptical about it but I remained silence, all I could afford to give is reassurance. I apologize because I will not mentioned much in details regarding his illness and his operation. So this gentleman underwent his surgery and unfortunately he had to deal with the complications. Amazingly, he pull it through but he lost one of his lower limb. Days in intensive care unit, finally he was back to ward. Well, life is not a bed of roses for him. And again, he had to face with wound breakdowns and bouts of infection. All I could see is another Kübler Ross grief cycle right in front of my eyes. Not everyone can handle the devastation of losing a limb well, especially for a male chauvinist like him. I had to say, he has strong determination to live because he never call for a suicide, never heave any sigh of sadness. We can only paid him a few visits, trying our best to cheer him up. It was until one week ago, he was literally drowning with the fast accumulation of fluids in lung due to his cancer. The last I went to see him, he was already frail and fragile, a shell without a soul. Subsequently, he passed away few days later at home.  That few months of his life, it was all in misery. We thought the surgery would buy him some time, a better quality of life and yet it was proven not. I was frustrated, it reminded me of the lady I saw during my gyne oncology posting, purely heart wrenching. Has he not decided for the surgery in such a strong determination, he will not put himself in such misery, but then again, I know he won’t give up if there’s any chance of buying him some time. Sometimes what we think is good for a person might not turn out to be one. Because we are all judgemental. This episode might cause an enormous sufferings to him but it did brought him closer to his family.  We always take things for granted. We thought we have so little that we forgot what we have is too much to be remembered and appreciate. We thought things that we have will always be there, ought to be there, the truth is nothing last forever. We will not appreciate until we lost it. It’s the ugly side of human nature.  May he rest in peace, may he found himself in a land with no sorrows but only happiness.

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Magical Touch

Its been quite some time since the last update from this blog. Well, I’m just being lazy. Keeping is so much easier than to type it out.

Being in this new posting for nearly 2 months, perhaps these recent 1 week makes me feel alive and touched. Her magical touch. I used to think about just to sail through this posting because it felt so much different as compared to the previous one. For now, apart from the new experiences, knowledges, I’ve started to ease away the numbness towards life and death.

From antenatal ward to gynae oncology ward, that transition from happiness in receiving newborns to sadness and despair from knowing your patient will eventually pass away or succumb to her illness. I’ve been taking care of her for the past few days. She came in with a grossly distended abdomen. It’s cancer. Cancer is eating away her day by day that you could see her maxillary bone so well. That cachexic appearance is like a reminder, the clock is ticking and it might be nearing the end or the beginning of more sufferings. She has advance carcinoma complicated with ascites (accumulation of fluid in the abdomen), Knowing it is a malignant ascites, she will be facing with a tough everyday life.

It’s like a balloon, when you keep pumping in the air, it’s getting so much distended until it outweigh its capacity, then it will give away. This is exactly what is happening to her. Stretching and stretching of peritoneum, nerves, causing her so much pain that despite daily tapping of the fluid, she stills experience that excruciating pain. We always assess her pain score, quantitatively measuring her pain, but we may never know the intensity and quality of the pain. Pain can be never be described so easily. Quality of her sleep deeply affected. She can only sit or stand in order to sleep. Can you imagine the long whole night, with the intense degree of pain, you can’t sleep?

I got exceptionally angry towards the surgeon who operated her at the first place in private setting. Being a doctor is not a money-earning industry, its to do no harm to your fellow human beings, to cure, care and comfort them. Her operation was not even an optimum surgery, leaving behinds all the tumour deposits leading to malignant ascites. So much of anger towards the surgeon. Ethical? Hipprocrates oath? Has she thought about it? Did she place herself in the patient’s and their family members’ shoes? Dealing with cancer is not about handling the patient, but her family members as well. Her mistakes, ignorance, taking a huge cost at the expense of this lovely patient, as well as causing a lost to the respective family members.

It’s not good for being too attached to patient, but somehow she touches my heart, probably because I’ve seen 2 of my relatives suffering and succumb to terminal illness. She never complaint of pain unless it’s so unbearable. The day when I tried to do a peritoneal tapping for her, I remember vividly that she was grabbing my hands so tight and begging for her life to be taken away. Living is so much suffering to her, she said. Standing there, I couldn’t do anything but only pat. I felt so much pain inside. Visual analogue scale for pain score, 8 over 10. Seeing her wriggling with pain, and there’s nothing I can do as a medical practitioner. It’s not professional to tears in front of your patient, but I’m sorry that I could not hold it back. I got so annoyed seeing pain experts kept pressing her on pain score.

Depression is a side effect from dying, dying from a terminal illness. Towards the end, religion is the only way I could resort to for comfort. I was once told that, towards the end of a suffering, that’s when miracles happen, just like dawn comes after the darkest. I pray so much that she can be release from this suffering. I shall end this post with a poem.

Wings of a jet plane provide steady flight
I pray you remain steady and strong through this fight

Butterflies have wings to fly playfully free
And free from this monster is what I pray you’ll soon be

Birds spread their wings as they may leave their nest
We’re spreading our prayers that you’ll always be Blessed

At the end of this, rainbows and colourful sky waiting for you

 

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Naive or Simple

I realised a weird pattern of behaviors or I rather said a paradoxical behaviors. As we get older in age, our thoughts get more complicated. Back to the time when we were still a kid, our view may be as simple as 123 or abc. To quote an example, a smile on the face of others.
Children: This person is so friendly :D!
Adult: A sudden smile? Nothing comes without strings attached! What is his/her up to???

Well, not to say a little bit of thinking is not doing any good at time, but sometime too much of thinking will place a lot of burden in your mind that you are unable to be analytical. Thus, appropriate thinking is wise, too much of thinking become suspicious.

Some would say children are so naive, I would rather said they are simple. The beauty of simplicity is what we should learn to appreciate and apply in our daily life. I feel apologetic towards my cerebrum as I placed a hectic, unnecessary task for her everyday.

I heard a meaningful true story yesterday, about a 8-year-old boy who has acquired lower limb malformation which rendered him unable to ambulate himself. He had to rely on his mother to carry him to school everyday! They live in poverty. There were once one of the volunteer asked him what does he want the most? He said, “Please give me horse so I can ride to school everyday and my mother won’t have to carry me around” Such a simple, direct yet soul-touching response. He is not naive in fact. He is a bright child who is portraying the beauty of simplicity. We are once as simple as the boy. Sadly, how many of us still remained the same as how we used to be? I doubt myself in this.

We refuse to open up our mind and speak from the bottom of our heart. I value people who are able to speak truthfully. I am still learning to be simple, to stay away from complicated events and thoughts, to be able to speak up my feeling to the person I care.

I will be able to achieve it! Have faith!

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Days of volunteering

Today marked the third day of my volunteering work in Tzu Chi as a photographer and writer (yeah, apparently now I can be a so-called photographer). This volunteering work took place at a dialysis center in Penang. Everyday, I was assigned to a patient with the aim to elicit and share their stories.

A year spent at hospital definitely take a toll on me. Literally, I undergone metamorphosis, which is from an emotional person towards becoming a numb-hearted person. I used to sob after seeing ill patient at the hospital. Now, it took hours perhaps? or it could be a totally-no-feeling-at-all person. Thus, when I landed myself at the dialysis center, the urge to write each and every story of them gradually weakened because I doubt my ability in eliciting and sharing their stories! Well, luckily I have a guardian of angel! Haha!

Allow me to express my feelings in Chinese words (I’m sorry if some of you might not be able to understand):

当慈济志工的这三天来,我充分地体会了许多人生的道理。在尝试拍下人人真,善,美的同时,我恍然意识到,其实人间还是充满着温情。因为社会非凡的进步,人们为了力争上游而违背了做人的道理,我原是觉得大家都是出于攻与利的状态。非常不喜欢这种想法!可是,很感恩的是,这三天来让我改变了这个想法。

聆听肾友细述他们的经历时,常会听到他们曾经自问为何上天偏偏选择了贫穷的人们来受尽病痛的苦难。其实,当时的我也不解所思。然而再仔细聆听了师姑 (guardian of angel XD)的解说后,我渐渐地了解生命的真理。生生灭灭,凡事都是有因与果。种下了什么因,就会得到什么样的果。虽然很无奈地被病痛给盯上,但是换个角度来想,既然已经不能改变事实,为何不尝试改变自己的心态来积极地面对疾病?不应该觉得懊恼而一直转牛角尖,这样最终会困在一个圈圈里头。改变心态是很艰难,可是它不是一件不可能的事。其中一位肾友的乐观深深地打动了我。

“信善要及时,孝顺要及时” 我对当义工的意念是想借由自己的一双手,在自己的能力范围内帮助需要帮助的人。很常听到师姑说,一切皆是空。起初是很不明白其中的道理。但是,渐渐的我了解了在我们生活中的一切,其实原本是来自于没有的起点。意味着不要太过于执着一样事物,因为万物皆是空。把握当下,就是用心了!

Thank You for every experience! 感恩!

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Something like this

I never want to talk about this. However, today, at this moment, I wanted to capture my own thoughts and feelings and put it into words. A rush of adrenaline? Perhaps, it is.

The truth is I am afraid of being alone at time. It is quite ironical as all the while I’ve been trying my best to portray as the opposite. Not most of the time though 😀 Sometime a little bit of time being alone is good for yourself as you can think better. One thing I can be sure of is I am dealing with this feeling way better than how I used to be. I guess this is something that I should be grateful for, aha!

If I tell you I am alright after all its been 2 years long, I might be way too confident about myself. Haha! The scar was healed but sometime it will seer with a little bit of pain undeniably. There is no perfect way of making the scar disappear unless you erase ones memory. Thus, it depends on how we are going to handle the scar in future, whether to cry along with it or to reminisce how far you’ve come from and how strong you have grown into. This part of memory hurts at time because true efforts were being poured once upon a time. Those days with tears and sadness is something that will remind me of how far I’ve come from and it certainly mark the journey of becoming a better, mature person.

Today after the event, as funny as it may sound like, I felt like a 剩女! Well to my surprise, neither that I felt pathetic nor frustrated with this particular thought. I used to get very frustrated and impatient because I fear of being ended up alone in the end. There are even friends who told me not to be so choosy and just get along with the one who is just in front of me. Haha! That’s really not my principle 😀

I used to think that the ending matter the most. For now, I realised that, the process of waiting is something which I should value the most (of course, ending still matters). I am holding on to my faith that one day I will definitely meet the destined-one. This person should be someone who is mature and caring, 细心.

For this very moment, I want to be grateful for the fact that I am no longer rushing and hoping this process of waiting to be hasten up. I want to be grateful for the fact that I understand that this feeling which was once casted by me, hoping that it will work, is no longer the same, for I know from the bottom of my heart that, it’s not something that was meant to be 😀

Thank You!

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Impending Post

Truly speaking, I am finding it hard to arrange thoughts into words. I guess that’s why it took me so long to write this impending post.

In my life, there are always miracles taking place when I felt I will be in a deep trouble. Its true! I always believe in that. There will always be a helping hands; a good advice deliver to me in a unique way. This time, it did the same as well!

Before I attended the church activities (for those who had read my previous post long ago, you would understand why I will attend these activities occasionally), I am seriously finding hard to arrange my thoughts regarding the things that happened lately. There was this one special story or should I called it as teachings/preachings told by the pastor. It’s about one thing, called -Scandalon. Personally, this is the first time I came across with this term.

Scandalon, in the bible, referred to some kind of obstacles or physical stone/barrier planted by people on the ground, with the hope to trap the trespassers. The pastor continued by telling a story which was dated back 2000 years ago, where there is one innocent man-Mark. During those days, the law commanded that whoever found to be have any small or tiny spots/pimples on their face, shall be called and labelled as having leprosy (an infectious disease) and to be isolated from the community. Poor Mark, was spotted to have the pimple and he was brought forward to see the priest. Despite thousand times of pleading, Mark was being labelled as Lepor and was sent out of the community. He was trap in a group of people with leprosy. 10 years later, Jesus passed by the valley and Mark called out for Him as Mark heard from rumours that Jesus is able to make the blind see and did many wonderful things to the unfortunates. Jesus told Mark to let go of the anger and the only way to get himself out from the scandalon is to forgive the people who condemned him. Finally, Mark risk his life and made his way to the community and forgive the priest. Miracle happened! He was healed from Leprosy!

As a matter of fact, we are unable to avoid offenses in our life. In the modern wold context, these scandolon will always be place around you. You just cannot avoid it. It’s true that it is very frustrating, annoying, disappointing when offenses hit you numerous time. Thousands of offenses yet are we able to focus on each of it and get mad over it? How much energy left for us to deal with other important and necessary things in our life? In fact, people who plant the scandalon might not even remember they did it before, they just get going with their life while you are being stuck and held behind by angers!

Yes, I felt this is so much true and yet I am held back by this scandolon recently. I have to say, I am really really really stupid! Haha!

I am glad that I came across this story! See, this is what I meant by miracle in my life!

So, message to be taken home after reading this post, do not held back by scandalon. Appreciate your life and keep moving forward. Make sure you lead a better life than they did, not for the sake of them, but it’s for the sake of yourself 😀

Thank You!

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