Tag Archives: time

Time

It was like 5 months apart since my last post. I’ve got so lazy to update my blog. Both my third and 4th posting have eaten up a lot of time, well to be honest, I spent most of the time sleeping, that’s how tiring it is. Ya, my life is boring, you might say, but  being a houseman, sometimes it just left you no other better options.

Time flies, have I not tell you, I’m at my 4th posting 🙂 I started my housemanship exactly 1 year and 3 months ago. Fuhhhh! Heaving a sigh of relief, 9 more months to go and with God’s grace, I shall be completing the second chapter of the life. Looking around the hospital nowadays, you can see a lot of new faces, the new bunch of first poster. I still remember I was as confused and excited at the same time as they are. I was so anxious and nervous when seniors asked to do venepuncture, branula insertion and taking blood gas. “Please let me get this right! I don’t want to be taken as a stupid first poster!” Every failed branulas insertion, I will be crying out loud deep inside my heart. It will be so embarrassing to ask seniors to help you with this kind of job when they are so busy with their works. My first posting was surgery. I’m lucky enough as they are many senior posters who are so helpful. The first night shift with them can never be so calming.

Being a houseman differs a lot from being a medical student. As a medical student, I missed the time of case presentation, a lot of questions that you were allowed to challenge your professor and vice versa. I missed that palpitations while performing in OSCE and VIVA with my respectable professors. Somehow, being a houseman, you have fewer privileges as compared to a medical student. I need to think twice before asking a question because you might just ended up with a sarcasm. That is just discouraging. Well, there are pros and cons. Good thing is, you will make sure you know everything, bad thing is not everyone taking sarcasm as easy as some others do and in the end, it shunt them away from learning.

I’ve been through some ugly incidents, events that I would like to call as “shitty” event. To be honest, I wasn’t so good in ECG interpretation. Axis deviation, ventricular strain pattern, ectopic beat, that just sounds advance to me initially. I can recalled an embarrass incident whereby my superior asking me to read the ECG. “Are you sure you are a houseman?” I was so disappointed with myself, I had never received such comment. Felt like digging a hole and hide myself up. Since that incident onward, I push myself to learn every bit of ECG that I can.

There are so many ups and downs during my housemanship. The first 5 months was a nightmare to me because of unforeseen circumstances. I thought I would have give up and ask for a transfer. I choose a place where I don’t even like and I brought myself to face with all the shitty events. I was literally writhes with all regrets, anger, fear and frustration. Poof! Times flies and time changes a person. I could still remember what I called as my strong pole in my life, aka my mother used to tell me, “time is the great healer, always. If you can’t pull yourself through, no one can help you with it” Devastation changed me, situation changed me, and my mom changed me 🙂 If you ask me, do you regret choosing this place? The answer is no. Well, I guess every cloud has a silver lining. There might be a lot of obstacles and not to be mentioned sacrifices in the beginning of it, but towards the end, I’ve become a stronger person, ADL independent, haha! I spent 21 years of my life living in glass house, shower with love by my family members without learning to face difficulties.

I’m not saying I won’t made a mistake right now, but I promise I will try to avoid it. Whatever happen in the past, it is always deeply seated in my memories, at times I might still break down but it’s not as bad as how it was. It just remind me to move on, with grace.

I’m not sure whether I can made it to my goals, but for sure I will work hard for it. Here to the future, and to the future you 🙂

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Grateful

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I remembered I used to see a slogan hanging in one of my favourite specialist’s consultation room

“I complained I had no shoes, until I met someone who had no feet”

It takes one unfortunate event to remind another fortunate event; We wouldn’t realise how much we have until we see someone who barely have anything at all. Everyday life is a lesson to be learned, but how many of us will notice these little changes in life? How many of us will constantly remind ourselves of how grateful we are? To be honest, I don’t think I am at times.

Working in the Nephrology ward, stir up this long-lost slogan which was once cast in my mind. These young and adorable children made me realise how much I have and how much time I’ve wasted recently onto things which were barely significant.

Nephrology ward is the place where children suffering from kidney injury would be. Do you know how it feels to carry around a bulging, swelling over your wrist or forearm? This is what we called as arterio-venous fistula (AVF) which is used for hemodialysis purpose. It certainly does not appear to be pleasant-looking. As time goes by, it will have pigmented patches over it as a result of countless needle insertion on it. Three times in a week, they head to dialysis center, and for each session, they have to spend 4 hours for a session to be complete. Not until you are in their shoes, you won’t realise how tired it is at the end of the session. They will sleep for hours each time every session end. The child will not be growing appropriately in term of their body built, they will remain small in size. At times, owing to the progression of the disease, they will have the sallow complexion, lemonish-yellow skin appearance which no other powerful powder could camouflage it.

As they grow up, when they start to understand about their disease, living with chronic kidney injury, it will be a turmoil of emotion for them. We always emphasize on the quality of life, and yet how much this is going to apply on them? Forgive me, I don’t have the faith to even convince them when they ask me, or am I too shallow to understand it?

Living with chronic kidney injury, after all is not an easy task. You are living by the edge. Any rise in urea, any further deterioration of the function of kidney, or any superimposed infection could drive you one step closer to death. I used to station in a dialysis center  to write articles for their magazine.  Its a NGO-govern dialysis center for the poor. They live in poverty and at the same time, they live with chronic kidney injury which rendered them permanently on dialysis. Living with it does not imply they don’t need to work for a living. There’s one grumpy old man, who will always sitting at one corner and stare into the space. No matter how many attempts on talking to him, you can hardly get any response. Do not blame him, the truth is he has only himself, after all his family members left him behind after he was diagnosed with chronic kidney injury. Sometime, I wonder why God seem to give the hardest challenge to the unfortunate people while the fortunate ones are not even trying hard to appreciate what they already have. This is life, isn’t it?

8 days in Nephrology ward is truly an unforgettable experience. In the midst of rushing through everyday life, they made me stop and stare, to feel and to understand life instead of merely walking over it. I’m grateful for what I have and I should appreciate it. What happen in the past will remain in the past. I’m glad when I realised how far I’ve come from. No sadness, no sorrows, but only grateful. For the coming future, I know what I ought to do. Time made us stronger only if we allow it to 🙂 It’s all about time and strength.

 

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Random thought

The truth is, I will be remaining at how I feel right now for some time. I’ve reached a point where I felt it doesn’t matter how the thing will work out eventually in future. I’m no longer rushing to the destination that I’ve always will and always wanted to at the very beginning when the thing started.

I started to believe time can change a person. Time is a very powerful transformation agent if you want me to describe its role. I remember I mentioned before in my previous post, no matter how strong a feeling or emotion you are in, with time goes on, you will able to experience how amazing time is in changing your emotion or feeling towards an even stronger one or a weaker one. That’s why I said, a feeling which can withstand the changes of time, is the truly strong feeling that you should value of.

I’m not in a hurry anymore. Well, it certainly doesn’t mean I gave up. I appreciate the journey and the process of it. Nothing is affecting my normal routine and my goals. It is a healthy feeling that I finally manage to achieve after years of learning.

I know it will be turn out to be 😀 So at the mean time, let the nature take its course.

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